Messed Up Christmas Carols for JV Characters
by IcePrincess777
Summary: First up, the Twelve Dates of Madness, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Killer's Wonderland and Joy to the World. It's BAACCKK! Now with a parody of the Night Before Christmas and Carol of the Bells!
1. The Twelve Dates of Madness

Disclaimer: Must I repeat this again? Yes. Isn't that pathetic? I just answered my own question. So anyway, I don't own Devi, or Johnny, or any other character I will mention but forgot about. This is to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by who the heck knows. Enjoy the fun insanity! Wheeee!  
  
The Twelve Dates of Madness, sung by Devi  
  
On the first date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
1.Some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the second date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
2. 2 smokebomb shoes  
  
and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the third date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
3. 3 sharp knives, 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the fourth date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
4. 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives, 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the fifth date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
5. 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives , 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the sixth date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
6. 6 months in hiding, 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives , 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the seventh date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
7. 7 things to hide from, 6 months in hiding, 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives , 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea On the eighth date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
8. 8 reasons I like Nny, 7 things to hide from, 6 months in hiding, 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives, 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the ninth date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
9. 9 reasons I hate Nny, 8 reasons I like Nny, 7 things to hide from, 6 months in hiding, 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives, 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the tenth date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
10. 10 reasons I hate guys, 9 reasons I hate Nny, 8 reasons I like Nny, 7 things to hide from, 6 months in hiding, 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives, 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea  
  
On the eleventh date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
11. 11 cans of mace, 10 reasons I hate guys, 9 reasons I hate Nny, 8 reasons I like Nny, 7 things to hide from, 6 months in hiding, 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives, 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea On the twelfth date of madness, my boyfriend gave to me  
  
12. 12 dates of madness, 11 cans of mace, 10 reasons I hate guys, 9 reasons I hate Nny, 8 reasons I like Nny, 7 things to hide from, 6 months in hiding, 5 zombie dates, 4 squirrel food brains, 3 sharp knives, 2 smokebomb shoes and some pants full of diarrhea! * passes out from exhaustion*  
  
  
  
A/N: I didn't have the time to re-read EVERY issue of I Feel Sick or JTHM with Devi in it, so don't flame me if my estimates on the numbers are a little off. 


	2. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

Ah, the snowy snowiness of snow! Yayzz! Thank you, oh psychotic fans of insanity for the reviews! This next song is to the tune of Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer. I have no clue who wrote that. What was I supposed to say now? Oh yeah! I don't own Johnny or Jimmy, so um. yeah.  
  
Johnny the Homicidal Maniac  
  
  
  
Johnny the homicidal maniac  
  
Had a bunch of shiny knives  
  
When maggots made him angry  
  
He just ended all their lives  
  
They would have been better off  
  
Sticking their heads in bee hives  
  
Then one foggy summer's eve  
  
He loaded that gun  
  
Then the Wall Monster got out  
  
And had lots of fun, no doubt  
  
Then all the dumbest hellfans  
  
They all tried to copy him  
  
But didn't die like one jerk  
  
Also known as Mmy or Jim!  
  
  
  
I don't own the Wall Monster either! And hellfans own themselves. Next up is a sick, sad song, formerly known as We Wish You a Merry Christmas! 


	3. Killer's Wonderland

Disclaimer: I own nothing!!!!! Thankees to all those who reviewed past chapters! And now, to the tune of "Winter Wonderland", written by someone who is probably dead and spinning in their grave right now, Killer's Wonderland!!  
  
Killer's Wonderland (sung by Nny, to no one in particular)  
  
Victims scream, are you listening?  
  
On the floor, blood is glistening  
  
A horrible sight  
  
I'm happy tonight  
  
Walking in a killer's wonderland  
  
  
  
In the basement we can kill some loser  
  
And pretend that he's a party clown  
  
He'll say "you're insane!" and we'll say "thank you"  
  
Then we'll poison him or make him drown  
  
  
  
Later on, we'll conspire  
  
As we burn, in Hell fire  
  
To face unafraid  
  
The plans that we made  
  
Walking in a killer's wonderland 


	4. Joy to the World, A Christmas Seasonal S...

I do not own these characters! Just myself. Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Stupid homework. But thank you, Christmas vacation! This chapter is more than just a songfic, and most likely the last one. This year at least.  
  
Chapter 4: Joy to the World  
  
  
  
  
  
IcePrincess777: * sigh * Sooo lonely, so bored. I know! I'll have a Christmas party! * summons Authory Powers as J.V. characters, friends and a few random people from school appear. * Yayzz!  
  
Everyone square-dances to the revised version of Joy to the World (which I do not own)  
  
Joy to the world  
  
Mmy is dead  
  
We barbecued his head  
  
Don't worry about the body  
  
We flushed it down the potty  
  
And round and round it goes  
  
And then it explodes  
  
And round and round the ashes go  
  
Gir: Let's do it again!  
  
Everyone else: NO!!!  
  
Megan: Dance, Jhonen! DANCE!!!!  
  
Jhonen: Why? The stupid author woke me up from a very nice dream to be tortured by the presence of my insane characters! Why do I always have to do everything she says?!?!  
  
Megan: Because she has Authory Powers in this story. You did in the comic books, but you're not the author of this story, so HA!!!  
  
Jhonen: Isn't there any way to stop this?  
  
Megan: Yes. You have to say her real name. But I want to see you dance, so I'm not telling you!!!  
  
Jhonen: You're mean, you know that?  
  
Megan: Uh huh! Now DANCE!!!  
  
Jhonen: Grr. Now I know how Filler Bunny feels.  
  
In the center of the room, someone is having ornaments hung on their many piercings and lights and tinsel wrapped around the rest of them.(I have tried to do this, and learned from experience that there is no one that will put up with more than five seconds of this.)  
  
Tim(hopefully the real person with a name similar to this won't kill me. I'm sorry, but it just REALLY fit your personality!): * runs into the room* * gasp * Oh my god! It's Jhonen!!! * runs toward Jhonen *  
  
Jhonen: * runs for dear life * AAAAHHHHH!!!!! I'm not kidding, Megan! What's her name?!?! * hides in a closet *  
  
Mysterious Voice: Hello.  
  
Jhonen: Um.. hi? Who are you?  
  
Mysterious Voice: Hey! You're not Larry!  
  
Jhonen: No, I'm Jhonen.  
  
Mysterious Voice: Really? YAY!!  
  
Jhonen: No, no NOT ANOTHER OBSESSED HELLFAN!!!! * runs out of the closet, but sees Mysterious Voice running after him* To make things worse, Tim is closing in on the other side! Trapped!!! He backs into a door and knocks a sign off that reads, "JESS'S PARKING ONLY, ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOWED" JESS!!!!! HER NAME IS JESS!!!!!! * everyone except IcePrincess777/Jess disappear *  
  
IcePrincess777/Jess: Awww! Maybe we can do this again on New Years!  
  
  
  
Below is a revised version of "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. Enjoy another work of literary art gone bad because of me!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
A Christmas Seasonal Song  
  
  
  
  
  
It was Christmas Eve and Anne Gwish had just gotten back from an evening of dancing at her favorite night club. If only it wasn't for that homeless man who had barged in, complaining that his hand was bleeding. Anne personally ran him over with her car. He was probably still lying there in the parking lot, the damn jerk. She had to come home early in case someone had called the police. It was now 11:30 P.M. and Anne was dressed in her trendy, black pajamas. Carolers could be heard singing outside the window. How annoying! Anne opened the window, caught a large, solid piece of ice that had just fallen off the roof and threw it at one of the carolers while shouting, "SHUT UP!!!!" They ran away, screaming like cheerleaders that had broken a nail. All except one. They stared up at the window with ice- blue eyes and an evil grin. She had on a red shirt, several necklaces and jeans with holes in the knees that were covered by a long, black skirt.  
  
  
  
Anne Gwish: Who the hell are you?  
  
Girl: Do you really want to know?  
  
Anne: Gross! Those black and purple boots are SO out of style!  
  
Girl: Do I look like I care? * vanishes *  
  
Anne : Where did she go?  
  
Girl,(from behind Anne): Right behind you.  
  
Anne: * jumps and turns around * How did you get in here? * scared now *  
  
Girl: Never mind that. What I came here to tell you is, unless you want to die and go to a very bad place, you must change. I will send three ghosts to help you see the error in your ways. They are Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future. The first one will come at midnight, but I must leave now. * disappears in a flash of blue light *  
  
Anne: * awakens on her bed across the room * * nervous laughter * It was just a dream! It was just a dream.  
  
But it was so realistic! The chill of the winter air, the feeling of dread when the girl seemingly teleported herself into the room, even the cold, melting ice. The ice! No, it wasn't a dream, Anne realized with fear. Her hand was still red and numb from the chunk of ice. She spent the next fifteen minutes lying awake, counting down the seconds until midnight. The clock strikes twelve and nothing happens. Just as she breathes a sigh of relief at 12:01, a strong wind rushes into the room and materializes to form Tenna. Tenna: Hi! I'm the ghost of Christmas Past, but you can call me Tenna! I'm supposed to remind you of things you did on past Christmases. Normally, I would just say that you need to get out more, but that creepy girl specifically warned me not to. A few seconds later, they are in a hospital room. Everything is a monotone shade of white and a very sick looking woman who looks similar to Anne lays on a bed.  
  
Anne: Mom?  
  
Tenna: She can't hear either of us. This is just a memory of a past Christmas. * a little blonde girl walks in the room * You look like you were about 7?  
  
Anne: Why did you have to remind me about one of the many reasons I hate Christmas? Tenna: Because it's the only way you can heal.  
  
Past Anne: Mommy? Are you okay?  
  
Her mother is too weak to respond. One of the monitors near her bedside goes off, signaling doctors into the room. "CODE BLUE!!!" one shouts. Another doctor pushes Past Anne out of the room as the memory fades into a high school gym.  
  
Tenna: Your mother died that night, didn't she?  
  
Anne: * wipes a tear from her eye *Yes, that was one of the worst Christmases I've ever had! Where are we?  
  
Tenna: At another one of the worst Christmases ever! It's a pep rally! Ra ra ra!!! Go team!! Hey! Isn't that you? * points to a blonde cheerleader in a red and white uniform, looking nervous as she does a routine in front of the entire school. *  
  
Anne: Yes, unfortunately, when I was still into the despicable act of cheerleading. Past Anne trips and lands on the floor. Instead of helping her, the rest of the cheerleaders point and laugh. She runs into the dressing room, followed by the cheerleaders. Cheerleader #1: Well, that was graceful (sarcastically).  
  
Cheerleader #2: Most stunning performance ever.  
  
Head Cheerleader: I think she deserves a reward for that!  
  
The next day, posters reading, "ANNE IS A LOSER" were put up all over the school, someone had spread rumors that she had a crush on the biggest freak in school and she was laughed and pointed at wherever she went. She had never been happier waking up in her own room after relieving those horrible memories.  
  
Tenna: So this is why you hate Christmas?  
  
Anne: Yes! It's never brought me anything but pain and grief!  
  
Tenna: But it was just a bad mix of circumstances! It could have happened any day of the year!  
  
Anne: No it couldn't! There's something about that holiday that makes me miserable! Tenna: If you ask me, you're making yourself miserable by not letting yourself enjoy Christmas because of a few coincidental bad memories. Uh oh, 2 A.M.! Gotta run! The next ghost should be here by now. * disappears *  
  
Behind where she stood is a little kid with his teddy bear.  
  
Little kid: Hi! I'm the ghost of Christmas Present, but everyone calls me Squee. This is Shmee, my teddy bear. He tells me I should set you on fire, but he's just being silly. Anyways, I'm supposed to show you what's going on right now because of you. But please don't kill me if you don't like what you see!  
  
Anne: I thought you said you were a ghost.  
  
Squee: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.  
  
They appear in the parking lot of the night club where a homeless man is lying on the pavement with a bloody hand and a broken leg.  
  
Anne: Oh, not this bum again!  
  
Squee: Shmee says what you did to him was really mean and that you truly deserve what's coming to you.  
  
A small, gray car pulls over near where the homeless man is.  
  
Squee: Hey! That's my neighbor Johnny! He's nice to me, but I hear him killing people in his house at night! * cowers behind a bush even though he's invisible * Johnny: Awww, crap! I'm out of gas! * hears the homeless man moaning * Holy shit! Are you okay?  
  
Homeless Man: Some bitch ran over me when I asked her to help me because my hand was bleeding! And now I can't move my leg!  
  
Johnny: I would help you, but my car ran out of gas. But I swear if anything happens to you, I will not rest until I have hunted that bitch down and carved her head up like a pumpkin! * yelling at nothing in particular * YOU HEAR ME?!?! IF HE DIES, I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU LIKE I HAVE KILLED SO MANY OTHERS THAT HAVE POLLUTED THIS EARTH WITH THEIR TOXIC PRESCENCE!!!!!!!!! * calms down a little * Could you please not repeat that to anyone?  
  
Homeless Man: My lips are sealed.  
  
Back in Anne Gwish's room, it is now four A.M.  
  
Anne: So now some homicidal maniac named Johnny is after me?!  
  
Squee: He will be if the Homeless Man dies.  
  
Anne: And I can't call the police because they will know I did it!  
  
* the clock chimes four *  
  
Squee: I have to go now. Christmas Future should be here when I leave. * vanishes into a cloud of smoke , leaving behind Eric the vampire *  
  
Eric: Greetings! I am the ghost of Christmas Future, but most refer to me as Eric! I am the last resort on what will hopefully be a life changing journey.  
  
In a dimly lit basement, Future Anne is tied to a box of nails. A dark, thin figure carrying two glistening knives enters the room. The little light that there is reveals it to be none other than Johnny, the one who found the homeless man in the parking lot!  
  
Eric: Does he look familiar to you?  
  
Anne: Unfortunately, yes. What's he doing?!  
  
Johnny: You. People like you make me sick. A poor, innocent man rots in a graveyard before his time because of your careless and selfish acts! I remember you from middle school! You always looked down on others who were different than you, no matter what their reasons. You and your cheerleader friends helped make my life a living hell! I believe that there is no such thing as an innocent victim. That you have had what is about to happen to you coming ever since the first day of sixth grade when you mixed yourself in with those profane excuses for human beings!!! It's been a long time in the making, but I have finally tracked you down. And now, your well deserved fate awaits you. * Johnny raises both his knives in the air and a look of pure horror is visible on Future Anne's face as the room fades out into Anne's bedroom, which is filled with early morning sunlight *  
  
Eric: There is much more to that, but I hoped that you had gotten the picture already. Anne: Please! Is there any way to prevent this?!?! ANYTHING?!  
  
Eric: Yes, you can try to right what you have done wrong and find the true meaning of Christmas spirit. It isn't about commercialism or presents. It's about casting aside all differences with others and caring for others! And for you, it doesn't have to be about bad memories. You can put it all in the past. You can move on now! I know this sounds really weird and OOC coming from a depressed vampire, but it IS the truth! I must leave you now. It does not matter to me whether you have learned from your mistakes and want badly enough to change the present and the future. That can only be decided by you.  
  
As Eric leaves in one of his infamous smoke-bombs, Anne runs to the window and yells to someone in the street, "What day is it?!"  
  
When the reply was, "It's Christmas, you numbskull!!!", she was overjoyed that there was still time. Anne called an ambulance down to the parking lot, then drove to the hospital to await news on the homeless man's condition.  
  
When she arrived at the hospital, Anne asked to see the man that was just brought in from a parking lot. She was answered by that girl who claimed to have sent the ghosts! Except now she was wearing a flowing, purple and ice blue dress and had sparkling wings and a tiara with light blue stones in it.  
  
Girl: He lost some blood from his hand, suffered from exposure to the cold and has a broken leg. But other than that, he should be fine once all that heals. It turns out he works for Nickelodeon, so he DID kind of have it coming to him. But he will be okay, no one REALLY deserves that!  
  
Anne: So Johnny won't kill me?  
  
Girl: Not for this at least. He's still very angry about what you did to him in middle school.  
  
Anne: Why did you do all this if he was going to kill me anyway?!  
  
Girl: He might, but then again he might not. Just stay away from him and don't give him another reason to seek revenge.  
  
Anne: But I thought that fixing this would change all that!  
  
Girl: You can try to make up for your actions, but you can never completely erase what you did. But look at it this way, if you never tried to at least do that, it would have meant certain death.  
  
And with that, she vanished into a ray of blue light, leaving at least one person's life forever changed. 


	5. T'was the Night Before Flibbergibet

It's a little late this year, but the dumb Christmas carols are back!!!  
Yay? Boo? Some intricate combination of the two? Ah well. I still don't  
own Johnny. Do you know how hard it is to buy somebody's soul on eBay? XD  
  
T'was the Night Before Flibbergibet  
  
T'was the night before Flibberbiget  
  
When all through the house  
  
Every creature was stirring  
  
Even the one legged mouse  
  
Intestines were hung  
  
By the chimney with care  
  
In hopes that by morning  
  
They'd all still be there  
  
Dumb teens were all drunk  
  
They had been out all night  
  
Testing their tolerance  
  
For the next day's delight  
  
Except one Johnny C.  
  
That's what they call me  
  
But to fangirls and Tim  
  
I'm just known as Nny  
  
Minding my business  
  
When nothing like a dart  
  
Someone fell on my roof  
  
And landed with a loud fart  
  
They snorted and giggled  
  
Then I went to see  
  
What drunkard was up there  
  
And naming the trees  
  
"Go Dasher! F*** Dancer!  
  
Don't get him knocked up!  
  
Go Comet! No Cupid!  
  
I'm gonna throw up."  
  
She puked and then shat  
  
Right there in the snow  
  
"Oh great." I thought then.  
  
"That's going to smell gross."  
  
It seemed for a second  
  
She was halfway sober  
  
She pulled up her pants *thankfully*  
  
And looked over  
  
"Who the hell are you?" I said  
  
She let out a moo  
  
"And why in the hell  
  
Did you shit on my roof?!"  
  
"I am Mary Sue  
  
I'm a drunken SI.  
  
Shouldn't you be drunk too  
  
On this drunkenest night?"  
  
"If you know shit about me  
  
You'd know that I'm not  
  
One to get drunk  
  
And then smoke tons of pot."  
  
"Of course you will be!  
  
This is my story now!  
  
I've got Authory Powers!  
  
And to them you will bow!"  
  
Fear shivered through me  
  
From my spine to my spleen  
  
What about this drunk author  
  
Who'd had too much caffeine?  
  
Oh what things she could do  
  
That are so OOC  
  
What erotic acts?!  
  
What scandalous deeds?!  
  
But still I was grinning  
  
For there in my brain  
  
The dots were connected  
  
Much to her disdain  
  
"Since you're sitting here  
  
On the roof of my home  
  
If you are the author  
  
Who's writing this poem?"  
  
She burst into flame  
  
And ceased to exist  
  
The flames disappeared  
  
Along with the shit  
  
For that time I was happy  
  
But what should I hear?  
  
A disembodied voice that said  
  
"See you next year!"  
  
A/N: For reference, Flibbergibet Day is a made up holiday that basically  
means "Get Drunk Off Your Ass Day." Actually it's at night. But it's called  
Flibbergibet Day anyway. Tim the Stalker is a character sort of based on  
someone who stalks famous people. I'll see if I can get another song parody  
of an actual Christmas carol posted before Thursday. If not, there's always  
next year. If I remember. Yay for unusually early activating Alzheimer's! 


	6. Carol of the Bells

One hour before Christmas, this season's upload is finally here! Ladies, gentlemen and things which fall into neither or both categories, I bring you Carol of the Bells partially inspired by this version XD

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

I am a crazy artist

I wear black stuff

And I kill people

Would you like a slow and painful death?

Would you like a slow and painful death?

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Vengeance is fun

Vengeance is fun

Vengeance is fun

Vengeance is fun

Preppies are in the oven

They called me "wacky"

And they made fruit cake

Would you like a slow and painful death?

Would you like a slow and painful death?

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Vengeance is fun

Roast them at one

Vengeance is fun

Ding! Jocks are done

I am a crazy artist

I wear black stuff

And I kill people

Would you like a slow and painful death?

Would you like a slow and painful death?

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jocks are done

Ding! Jooooccckkksssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrreeeeeeeee dooooooooonnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee!


End file.
